Tonight was our Christmas get together. It is party that I both love and hate. I love meeting with all my family and catching up with them but dread when my father shows up. In fact, typically a couple of days before the party, I start getting antsy worrying about what he may do. That has always been the most fearful thing about him is his unpredictability. He has no sense of the harm he inflicts by his behavior or perhaps believes it is his right to act in such a manner. I really don't know. The fear factor for me is always, what will he do? And so I begin dreading our Christmas party. The past couple years I have been able to be there and act as if he is not. I don't look at him or speak to him. My husband has had several talks with him about staying away....
Last night I was not able to sleep. I was in a-fib and my heart rate was out of control. I tried to get in a calm state and talk to my heart. I was telling it how much I appreciated it, loved it and that it had no need to fear. I had no confidence in telling it that because I had fear aplenty. When I tuned-in to my heart, the way you have showed me, I saw tears leaking out of the top of it. I asked my husband to sit with me and hold my hand. After a while of doing so, I began to cry for the little girl who was so afraid of her daddy, his unpredictability and the many years of sexual abuse. I couldn’t believe that I could be safe or be in control. I began to cry the big ugly cry. Afterward, I feel like the fear was washed away through the tears rolling down my face. More importantly, I felt my heart releasing pain and becoming more peaceful.
This morning when I awoke my heart was still in a-fib, so I rested a bit more. After a couple hours of rest,I began getting ready for the party, and I started to vocalize. Just short bursts of yelling, as we have done in our sessions. I just did it when I felt like it. Family thought ,"Oh no, here goes mom again!" But it felt good.
As we headed to our destination, I checked my heart rate and I was out of a-fib. I was calm, cool and collected. I thought "Hmm, what's this all about?"When we arrived at the party I saw my mom and dad sitting at one of the tables. Others were avoiding sitting directly next to them. As I looked at them I began to think of how sad their lives were and that the energy or aura or whatever that they project, keeps others away from them. In hindsight, I recognize I had no fear of any kind when I saw my father.
Later on I found my husband and told him I wanted to talk to my dad. Mom and dad were both getting ready to leave so we stopped them in the hall and I said to my dad, "I have something to say". He promised he would listen (although he never truly does). "I wanted to let you know that I have done a lot of physical and emotional healing and wanted to tell you that I no longer have any hard feelings about the past." At that point he launched into verbal vomit, like he does, and said,"I just want to tell you that one thing I have learned about hate is that you can hate and hate, blah blah blah blah." Now the miraculous thing is that from the time I saw my parents sitting at the table alone, some part of me went into an altered state, where I was talking to others and having fun but I knew where my parents were at all times. I felt directed in some way, like I was two people, -- sorry that's the best I can do to explain it. And because of that altered state, I KNEW that to speak in that moment would be a big mistake. So I waited until he paused and I said, "It was never about hate it was about fear." He then launched into, "I've lived with your mother for 50 years and I've never hurt her. You had nothing to fear, blah blah blah." I waited a second and I said, “I'm not interested in arguing with you.“ He proceeded to put down what he was holding and gave me a hug and a kiss. The hug and kiss really meant nothing to me other than it was a landmark, a time of putting away old fears for me. Another awareness came to me; he is a little boy inside, putting up his fists and swinging at everyone to keep them from hurting him. He is the loneliest existence of anyone I know. But I am free, free, free, free!
I praise God that he has allowed you, Robin, to come into my life. You have given me your time, taught me skills and helped me grow. I feel I am so incredibly blessed to be healing in this way.
Thank you my friend.
(No name will be given to protect the innocent!)